In her book, Dead Man Walking, Helen Prejean describes her
feelings as she watches her first execution. Everything inside her is sick and
confused. She knows that what is about to happen, the taking of this man's
life, whatever his crime, is wrong and yet she can appreciate the feelings of
those who are about to take that life. She understands the complex web of
history and emotion that has led up to this moment and to the belief that we
somehow serve justice through capital punishment. She doesn't agree with the
conclusion of course, but she knows that her protest of this is not the same as
protesting Hitler; she can't just throw her body in front of the executioners
in an attempt to save this man, as you might do if you see a child attacked on
the street. Thus, part of her frustration is not just that she is powerless to
stop this killing, it also has to do with being helpless to even protest it
effectively. So she is reduced to silence, to interior dissent, to prayer, to
helplessness. In essence, what she does as she watches this execution is
"to ponder" in the biblical sense.
As we know, in the Hebrew conception of things, the mindset
out of which the Gospels were written, pondering meant something quite other
than what it did to the Greek philosophers (Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato) and
St. Augustine whose conception of things helped constellate what we call common
sense in the Western world. The Gospel writers conceived of things very
differently and so when they describe Mary as "pondering" they are
not depicting her as cerebrally entertaining the kind of abstract, reflective
thoughts that Socrates asked for when he said that
"the unexamined life is not worth living." What they are describing
rather is that painful wrenching of heart, of soul, that you feel when you
stand helpless in the face of suffering, sickness, death, misguided sincerity,
or anything else that is so overwhelming so as to let you know that you are no
longer in control. To ponder is to stand begging for God's insight and strength
when things overwhelm you.
Thus, pondering is what Helen Prejean did as she watched
that execution, it is what Mary did when she stood under the cross and watched
Jesus die, it is what Jesus did in the Garden of Gethsamane
when he sweated blood, it is what we do whenever we stand helplessly by the
bedside of a loved one who is dying of cancer or AIDS, it is what we do when we
are unable to offer words of consolation to someone who has suffered the loss
of a loved one, it is what we do when we see one of our own children misuse his
or her freedom in destructive ways, and it is what we should do at all those
times when we are inadequate to the task of love and forgiveness.
Pondering, in the biblical sense, is not so much active as
it is passive (in the sense of the Latin verb, PASSIO). When we speak of
"the passion of Jesus Christ" we are not talking so much about
anything that Jesus actively did, but rather about what was done to him, what
he endured, what he submitted to and what he carried in silence during his last
hours on earth.
But what is the value of such "passivity"? How
does silent suffering that does not actively intervene and alter a situation change anything? Why do we value so much Jesus'
passion when it was precisely the time in his life and ministry - and a very
short time it was in fact - when he was not preaching, teaching, feeding,
healing, and actively helping others? How can one help anyone by standing
helplessly by as injustice unfolds? What is the value of these things: Sweating
blood in a garden? Silent tears? Prayers that aren't publicly manifest? Interior dissent that is powerless to change the actual situation
on the outside?
Jesus answered this with another question: "Wasn't it
necessary?" Doesn't defeat sometimes mean victory? Aren't silent
suffering, interior protest, and helpless empathy sometimes the real weapons
for change? Isn't the sweating of blood the key to sustaining all of our
commitments? Isn't the carrying of tension the key to love and family life?
Isn't it only when we admit our helplessness that God finally enters?
"Why is this necessary?" The answer to that
questions lies at the heart of all wisdom, all Christian revelation, all depth,
all maturity. But it is an answer that we will not
find in books, nor in Socratic reflection. We will
find it precisely when we ponder in the biblical sense, namely, when we stand
helpless, muted, and frustrated, but listening, before a pain, an illness, or
an injustice that so overwhelms us that we are unable to rely on any power save
that of God. What is taught us there holds the key to everything. |